YouTube channel Prepare to Serve, the same folks that brought us the “99 Weird Foods Missionaries Ate” video, are at it again, this time with something of a gem: the aptly title (and subjunctive championing) “If President Trump Were A Mormon Missionary,” which the site goes way, way, very out of the way to remind everyone is a parody. I make the best parodies. People love me.
But seriously, if you don’t get this stuff is parody, you aren’t allowed on the internet. Just go back to reading Dilbert.
It’s pretty clear the original interview is about Trump’s fun little trip to that remote island full of US citizens, Puerto Rico. Kudos to the Prepare to Serve team for tracking it down.
Quite frankly, the editing here is pretty solid, given Trump’s “answers” to the questions posed of him. Possibly the best laugh comes when the interviewer timidly asks Trump how many people he baptized on his mission. The response? “16,000 lives.”
Watch the full video below, and for the fun of reading it—as well as the noble endeavor of attempting to transcribe Trump’s aimless ramblings—we put the full text below.
Prepare to Serve: Let’s just get down to the questions. I wanna know, what made you decide to serve a mission?
Trump: I mean, really, this is the thing I love. I love this. This is my wheelhouse, and I understand it so well.
PtS: How did the people receive you down where you served?
T: Almost every mayor—I think there’s over 70—were praising us.
PtS: How did people receive the Book of Mormon?
T: I came in and there was screaming and they were loving everything. And we were, I was having fun. They were having fun. They said, “Throw ’em to me! Throw ’em to me, Mr. Pre-!” And so, I’m doing.. some of the.
PtS: So what was General Conference like when you were on your mission?
T: Maybe the most incredible two days that I’ve ever witnessed, I’ve ever been a part of. And there was a lot of love being brought together.
PtS: How did your key indicators compare from the beginning of your mission to the end of your mission?
T: The highest it’s ever been in the history of these various indicators they’re doing. That’s, I think, 28 years. But decades.
PtS: You didn’t get the best media coverage while you were down ther eon your mission. Would you tell us a little bit more about that?
T: So many things that happened people don’t wanna talk about it. I was disappointed with what happened form the standpoint of the media, but they got it, and they really, I mean you saw the love. There was love for the fact that I went there.
PtS: What do you think about missionaries that don’t obey mission rules?
T: I’m very unhappy with their attitude. The spirit certainly is not there because they’re all over the place causing trouble.
PtS: Do you think it’s possible to have 100% lessons with a member present?
T: I don’t think it is impossible. And I think it’s something that can happen.
PtS: What are your opinions about tracting?
T: So, in one sense you hate to see it. In another sense, you feel you can do a good job, you’re really helping people, so it makes you feel good.
PtS: How many people did you, you know, baptize out there?
T: 16,000 lives. 16,000 lives.
PtS: Is it possible to baptize the whole world?
T: I think it’s something that, I’m not making predictions, but I wanna give that a shot before I even think about moving. For seven years I was a civilian, I wasn’t even thinking about doing this. I was doing my nice buildings all over and, and I was leading a very nice life, believe me. And then I decided for many years to come, maybe for 40 years, and more for longer than that, this is something that, it’s just—I believe this is going to work so easily.